Co-sleeping, nursing, attachment parenting

I am stubborn. When I want something I have a tendency to keep going for it until I get it (part of the reason I kept trying to breastfeed when it obviously was not working out, I kept trying for almost 3 weeks anyways). One of the things I really wanted to do with Andrina was co-sleep with her in our bed. We did it somewhat at first but it really didn't work out. Andrina would squirm around a lot and Tom and I could not really get any rest because we were worried about rolling over on her or the blanket getting pulled up over her face. So when we would put her to bed with us, we'd lay there so still, afraid to make the slightest movement and it would take so long for us to fall asleep. When I would finally fall asleep, I wouldn't get any good sleep because the slightest sound or movement from Andrina would wake me up and then I would not be able to get back to sleep. So we discovered that swaddling Andrina and putting her to sleep in her own crib was the best option for our family. We all sleep best like that.

But I never got over wanting her to sleep with us in our bed. Sometimes I try to bring her to bed with us. Many times after putting her to bed for the night and going to bed myself, I miss her and I want her with me. It's purely selfish. Andrina is able to sleep on her own just fine. It's Mommy who wants Baby. Well, I did it again last night. I wanted my baby with me. So I brought her to bed with us and we "slept" until 4:30 a.m. Of course, it took me over an hour to fall asleep because I was afraid to move. At 4:30 Tom got up with her to feed her and asked me if I wanted her back in bed with me. I said no. At that point I was too tired and actually relieved that she would be safely in her crib and I could feel comfortable really being able to fall asleep. I would be free to toss and turn and move my blanket and pillow around however I needed to to be comfortable.

So co-sleeping has not worked out. Breastfeeding has not worked out. And my ideal situation of sleeping with my baby next to me and her being able to nurse whenever she wanted to did not work out either. Obviously. But I know that there will be times I'll still want Andrina next to me at night and I'll break down and bring her to bed with me. Thankfully I am able to be with her all day like I wanted to. I am so fortunate that I don't have to work outside the home and I can be with her all day long. Even though we don't technically practice "attachment parenting", my baby and I are completely attached to each other.