I just finished reading April's post about how she is so anticipating the birth of her new baby. It brought tears to my eyes because her description fits my own pregnancy with Andrina perfectly. It bought back so many memories.
I remember wanting Andrina so badly. I remember waiting and waiting to get pregnant. Waiting until I accomplished my own goal of finishing school so I would never resent my child. So if I didn't finish, there was no way I could blame him/her for it. Waiting until I was married and had a home so my baby would have a home and a mommy and a daddy. I remember being absolutely astounded that I got pregnant the very first time we tried. I was actually dumbfounded by it, thinking that I was over 30, so how did I get pregnant the first time we tried...
I remember wanting to hold my baby so badly and that I had to settle for holding and rubbing my growing belly. And at the same time being terrified that she would come too early and I would cry, hating that she might be one of those too tiny, too underdeveloped babies that was born too soon and might not make it. I would hold and rub my belly, telling her that I wanted to hold her in my arms but she had to stay inside of me so she could be born strong and healthy.
How I wanted to hold my baby so badly. When she was born I just held of for about an hour, gazing at her, until the nurse reminded me that I should nurse her. I was so busy just holding her and watching her that I forgot that I was supposed to nurse her within an hour after birth. And when she slept that night, I couldn't sleep. I brought her to my hospital bed and laid her next to me, one arm around her, the other touching her. And now she's this happy, healthy toddler and I am so in love with her. Everyday when I wake up I look forward to being with her. How I love cuddling her and playing with her. She is the center of my universe and I don't think I could go on if I ever lost her. I think I came alive when I gave birth to her.
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1 comment:
You saying how you held her makes me remember that John and I (and our doula friend who came the day of and the next day) held Anne for about 36 straight hours and didn't put her down! It finally occured to us on the second day, "um...maybe we should put her down!" She slept next to us in the bed cuddled up next to us. I think it was less of a bonding thing that we held her and more of a "we have a baby now! What the heck are we supposed to do with her? Is it ok to put her down? What is she cries??" Makes me wonder about the next one and if we'll hold him/her as long or longer and if it will be more because of a bond....time will tell.
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