When I was pregnant, even before I was pregnant, I knew I would love my baby. When I was pregnant, I would rub my belly and imagine what my baby would be like. Would he or she be easy going? Have a difficult temperament and be often cranky, hard to soothe? Smart? Cute? Average? Be intellectual? Artistic? Athletic? Have medical problems? Every day I would rub my belly and talk to my baby. Let my baby know that no matter who he or she was, I would always love and care for him or her. That no matter what happened, I would be there and go through it with my little "bun".
When Andrina was born and placed on my chest, I wrapped my arms around her and all I could think and say was "my baby". My pregnancy seemed to last forever and I waited so long for her to arrive that when she did arrive, it almost did not seem real. Looking back on her birth, I think my saying "my baby" was my mind integrating all the anticipation that within a moment became a reality. "My baby" was finally here. She no longer was the potential to be a baby, she really was "my baby".
I gave birth to Andrina at 9:29 in the evening and I kept her with me until 1:00 am. At 1:00 I started to feel tired and decided it would be best to go to sleep and get some rest, so I reluctantly sent Andrina to the nursery to get a real sponge bath and to sleep and for me to sleep as well. Sleep did not happen for me. All I could think of was Andrina. Was she bathed yet? Did she want to nurse again? Was she warm and cozy? Was she crying? If she was crying, was she being cuddled and soothed? Was she asleep? What was she experiencing in her new environment? I gave up on sleep at 3am and pressed the call button for the nurse and asked for my baby. She said they would bring her to me soon. I only lasted 10 minutes before I got up and slowly made my way to the nursery. Sore, bruised, and bleeding, it seemed to take forever to get there. And of course, when I got there, a nurse was bringing Andrina out of the nursery to me. So I walked with them back to my room. Andrina woke up and I brought her into bed with me, nursed her as best as I could (she might have gotten a drop or two) and then snuggled up with her in my hospital bed. I just laid there as Andrina quietly went to sleep. I kept looking at her, holding her hands, kissing her, feeling her warmth and smelling her new baby smell. I was so happy that she was healthy and beautiful and looked forward to hearing from the pediatrician the next day to confirm what I already knew; that Andrina was healthy. And that she could go home soon. Around 4:30 am I finally began to fall asleep.
Today Andrina is 3 and 1/2 months old and, I'm not exaggerating, every time I look at her I get a rush. The sight of her automatically brings a smile to my face and many times, tears in my eyes. I knew I would love her. I didn't know just how all consuming that love would feel. Seeing her happy, seeing her smile and laugh, watching her play, grow and develop is truly the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. And I have not lived a boring life. Maybe a mostly quiet life (I hate drama) but I have been fortunate to see and experience much. But my love for my baby girl is so overwhelming that I wonder how I ever once survived without her. I love being her mom. I love holding her, cuddling her, kissing her, talking with her, playing with her, making her smile and laugh, watching her develop. I am completely, totally, utterly, and hopelessly in love with her.
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2 comments:
I know, isn't it unreal? When Anne was a younger baby, sometimes thinking about her literally took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. Life without Anne is not an option for me. If something happened to her, I do not know how i could ever continue living. Writing that makes me cry, especially as i hear her sweet little toddler voice in the other room, talking to her toys and the kitty. I cannot imagine ever feeling differently about her. Although she frustrates me, although sometimes I yell at her and am so angry with her, I always love her so intensely and would never in a bazillon years trade her for anyone else or anything else.
I agree with you completely. I have thought it so many times but never said it or written it: If anything ever happened to her, if I ever lost her, I would not want to go on living. SHE is what is worth EVERYTHING in this world to me.
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