More F*@%!^* Snow???!!!

Here's a picture of my front lawn taken at 5:30 today. Even more snow. Yes, it is still "normal" to get snow in March in Chicago but come on! It's almost April! This weather is so awful and confining. I've complained about it before and I'll complain again. I am really, really ready for spring to arrive!

Midnight Scream

Andrina has been sleeping through the night for about a week now. So Tom and I were really scared and surprised when she woke up last night at midnight, screaming! I'd never heard her cry and scream like that before. I went to her immediately and she would not stop screaming! Changed her diaper, which was barely wet, took her temperature, which was a perfect 98.6, rocked her, and cuddled her. She'd quiet down as if everything was ok for a minute then start screaming again. So we got the bottle ready and Tom fed her. That was what she wanted. Plain and simple. Food. Now. Instant gratification. That was all weird because even when she was a newborn and woke up to be fed, she did not scream like that. I hope that was a one time thing. I guess she had a bad dream (can babies really have bad dreams?) and that combined with wedging herself into the narrow ways of the crib must have really freaked her out. Thankfully this morning she was back to her usual happy baby self. She only cried out a little, like ususal when she woke up, and was talking to herself when I got her out of her crib. All seems well, I even got her usual bright smile when I said good morning to her (side note, isn't that just the best thing when you're baby is so happy to see you?). We'll have to see how it goes tonight. I hope you sleep better tonight My Love.

Getting Better?

Andrina's congestion does not seem as be as it was a few days ago. She does not seem to be sneezing as much as before either. I hope she is getting better. Tom and I are feeling a little bit better ourselves. I hope we are all getting over this cold. Soon.

Colds

Our whole household has a cold-including baby Andrina. Our beautiful little baby sneezed on both Tom and myself a few days ago and now we are feeling those nasty effects of having a cold. Andrina has a cold too (obviously) but she seems to be doing so much better than we are. We are all congested but Tom and I are the most cranky and out-of-sorts from it. Andrina is still as happy as ever, the only difference is she is a little bit more sleepy than usual. I'm glad she does not seem too distressed by it.

I personally am feeling miserable. Colds suck. I'm tired of sneezing and not being able to breathe. "Achoo".

Terrible Toys

It was on the news again last night, more toy recalls. I have to officially say that I am sickened by all of the dangerous toys that have made their way into American homes. I am so angry at "Corporate America" and our elected officials who have their heads so far up the corporations butts that they can't get out with out a proctologist! I cannot believe that this was allowed to happen. The safety of our nation's children and babies is not as important as profits made by cheaply manufacturing toys in another country where their safety regulations are substandard.

Personally, I have looked at all of Andrina's toys and all of them were made in China. This is really disgusting to me that they may be dangerous, even if they were not recalled. It is even scarier to me now since my baby recently "discovered" her hands and will soon start putting everything in her mouth. It's time to start buying American made toys. However, this sounds simple but with the cheap manufacturing costs in other countries and the tax breaks the corporations get to not make their products in the USA, it may be difficult to find high-quality, reasonably priced, American made toys.

My Not-So-Secret Love Affair

When I was pregnant, even before I was pregnant, I knew I would love my baby. When I was pregnant, I would rub my belly and imagine what my baby would be like. Would he or she be easy going? Have a difficult temperament and be often cranky, hard to soothe? Smart? Cute? Average? Be intellectual? Artistic? Athletic? Have medical problems? Every day I would rub my belly and talk to my baby. Let my baby know that no matter who he or she was, I would always love and care for him or her. That no matter what happened, I would be there and go through it with my little "bun".

When Andrina was born and placed on my chest, I wrapped my arms around her and all I could think and say was "my baby". My pregnancy seemed to last forever and I waited so long for her to arrive that when she did arrive, it almost did not seem real. Looking back on her birth, I think my saying "my baby" was my mind integrating all the anticipation that within a moment became a reality. "My baby" was finally here. She no longer was the potential to be a baby, she really was "my baby".

I gave birth to Andrina at 9:29 in the evening and I kept her with me until 1:00 am. At 1:00 I started to feel tired and decided it would be best to go to sleep and get some rest, so I reluctantly sent Andrina to the nursery to get a real sponge bath and to sleep and for me to sleep as well. Sleep did not happen for me. All I could think of was Andrina. Was she bathed yet? Did she want to nurse again? Was she warm and cozy? Was she crying? If she was crying, was she being cuddled and soothed? Was she asleep? What was she experiencing in her new environment? I gave up on sleep at 3am and pressed the call button for the nurse and asked for my baby. She said they would bring her to me soon. I only lasted 10 minutes before I got up and slowly made my way to the nursery. Sore, bruised, and bleeding, it seemed to take forever to get there. And of course, when I got there, a nurse was bringing Andrina out of the nursery to me. So I walked with them back to my room. Andrina woke up and I brought her into bed with me, nursed her as best as I could (she might have gotten a drop or two) and then snuggled up with her in my hospital bed. I just laid there as Andrina quietly went to sleep. I kept looking at her, holding her hands, kissing her, feeling her warmth and smelling her new baby smell. I was so happy that she was healthy and beautiful and looked forward to hearing from the pediatrician the next day to confirm what I already knew; that Andrina was healthy. And that she could go home soon. Around 4:30 am I finally began to fall asleep.

Today Andrina is 3 and 1/2 months old and, I'm not exaggerating, every time I look at her I get a rush. The sight of her automatically brings a smile to my face and many times, tears in my eyes. I knew I would love her. I didn't know just how all consuming that love would feel. Seeing her happy, seeing her smile and laugh, watching her play, grow and develop is truly the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. And I have not lived a boring life. Maybe a mostly quiet life (I hate drama) but I have been fortunate to see and experience much. But my love for my baby girl is so overwhelming that I wonder how I ever once survived without her. I love being her mom. I love holding her, cuddling her, kissing her, talking with her, playing with her, making her smile and laugh, watching her develop. I am completely, totally, utterly, and hopelessly in love with her.

2nd Wedding Anniversary

Today is our 2nd Wedding Anniversary.

Here's a picture of Tom and I on our wedding day:

Where do all the Little Lost Socks Go?

Wanted:

One pink sock with a butterfly on it.

The left mate to the one in the picture below:

So I'm putting away Andrina's clean laundry this morning while she's playing, and it happened. There is one sock left over without its mate. I lost the first baby sock. I knew it would happen eventually. I didn't know how I'd obsess about finding it though! I looked EVERYWHERE! Under all the dressers, changing table, crib, under the cribs bumber pad, inside the washer, the dryer, inside the folds of her other clean clothes, towels, and changing pad cover. I was about to tear apart the utility room when I decided no. I'll go play with my baby until it's time for her nap and I'll have Tom tear apart the utility room later...

And to think that this time last year I put this much effort into malingering assessments and NGRI evals. Now my new short-term goal is to find the missing sock!

A Sad Anniversary

It was one year ago today that my heart was broken. It happened when one of my dogs, Uncas, died after "throwing a blood clot" as the vet said.

Uncas was a "special needs" dog. He was born with a genetic defect called mega esophagus. The esophagus connects our throats to our stomachs, and in Uncas, it was extremely wide. A defect of the nervous system, the esophagus continues to grow and expand. It would eventually impinge on his lungs on one side and his spine on the other. Tom and I knew this when we adopted him shortly after coming home from our honeymoon in November, 2005.

Uncas did not have a happy start in his life. He was originally bought as a puppy and named Damon. Soon after he was bought, his original owners starting beating him because he was constantly throwing up (he was throwing up because his insides were not normal, it was not purposeful behavior). So they gave him back to the breeder who took him back and to the vet. His diagnosis was made. However, there was no real prognosis for Uncas. Some dogs with his disorder only live a few months or a year. Some have lived as long as ten years.

Uncas lived with his breeder for a few months who nursed him back to health as best could be done and trained him. His breeder did a wonderful job of caring for him and training him. He was almost 5 months old when Tom and I adopted him and gave him a real home.

Uncas was a joy right from the start. After walking around our home and getting the lay of his new territory, I went up to him, sat down next to him, and petted him. He responded by licking my face and ever since I loved him. And I know that he loved me.

Uncas made an immediate friend. A 2 and 1/2 year old female Schipperke named Mina. My dog that I got as a puppy and trained and loved. Very quickly our new member of the family settled into the household and life for the most part was very good.

Uncas was a lot of work to take care of because of his disorder. He had to eat small meals several times a day; consisting of very small kibbles of moistened dog food and cooked chicken cut up into very small pieces. This was because he would not necessarily keep it down and when he did, it sat in his esophagus a very long time before it made its way into his stomach. It is very difficult to keep "weight on" these dogs.

Tom did research online and we learned that it is often helpful to give these dogs ensure. So every day, Uncas got a can of evaporated milk mixed with a can of vanilla ensure. Extra vitamins and protein that was easily digested. And Uncas loved his "milkshakes". He would lick the bowl over and over again after he finished it.

For almost a year, Uncas had a "forever home" with Tom and I. We loved him but he made it so easy to love him. A very gentle dog with a calm temperament, he was simply a great dog. He loved to be petted and just "hang out" with us. It is difficult to describe his presence. Peaceful, kind, loyal. But also a great watch dog. He also loved short periods of play with us and Mina. Of course, he was not perfect. One day, for no apparent reason, he peed on the carpet. I was there when he did it and yelled "NO" at him. He never did it again. And he also chewed Tom's desk when he was a puppy. But we didn't care. He was always a "good" dog and we appreciated him and loved him.

Then one morning, he began throwing up. Bad. Then he was vomiting mucus after that. We took him to the vet where he began to treat Uncas for pneumonia and gave him IV fluids. He began to improve and within a few days, he seemed to be back to his wonderful self. But it did not last. On a Saturday morning, he simply fell down and died.

Uncas did not ever reach his full physical growth. 110 pounds when he died, he needed to continue to fill out and would have gained about 10 more pounds. He was a true gentle giant.

I was depressed for weeks after he died. I remember Tom and I crying when we went to bring him home and bury him. Tom and I did so much to give him the best life he could have. In the end, for the short time he had with us, he lived a very happy life. He knew caring, patience, love, and acceptance.

Please enjoy the beautiful photos below. And please, enjoy the time you have with any animals you share your life with. They go way too soon.

Alert, happy, and calm. That was Uncas.

He would have made a great playmate and protector for my daughter.

A true Gentle Giant. Uncas is almost as big as the love seat behind him!

Uncas and Mina, the best of doggy friends, having a typical play session together. They were "alpha dogs" of our home and my version of a perfect "doggy family".

Uncas and his best friend, or "mate" Mina. They enjoy a beautiful and sunny July afternoon together. See the potted flowers behind them? Uncas was such a good dog he didn't even try to dig them up or destroy any of them.
Goodbye Uncas. Tom and I still miss you and we still love you.

ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN

Uncas Hansen

Shiloh Shepherd

The sweetest and smartest dog I have ever had the privilege of "owning".

His life was much too short.

July 1, 2005 to September 23, 2006

Big Baby Feet

When Andrina was born her pediatrician said she had a very mild case of jaundice. It was not a bad case at all, it cleared up by itself with 5 days. But it let me know that my baby is not perfect. Sorry Sweetie, but no one is. I was reminded of that again last week when I noticed that all of Andrina's socks were too small on her. They are supposed to fit babies up to 3 months old and she's only 2 months old. So when I was at the Carter's store I bought her the 3 to 12 month size socks. I didn't want to use them yet though. But today I had to. The smaller ones were just way too small. So I opened up all the 3 to 12 month sizes, washed them, and guess what? They fit her. My baby has big feet! I didn't expect that because my feet are so small, they're only a size 6. Yes Tom has big feet but he's a guy, he's supposed to have big feet! I guess Andrina may have big feet as an adult.

No more breastfeeding

This is a sad and very personal blog for me to write/post. Today I fed Andrina the last of my breast milk. I had to come to a hard and painful decision to give it up for good today.

Today Andrina is 2 and 1/2 weeks old and I can't nurse her any longer. We have seen 4 lactation consultants, used a hospital-grade breast pump, helped Andrina with "finger feeding", taken herbs and prescription medication to help me produce more milk (which also made me sick so I had to stop taking it), been on antibiotics for breast infections, cracking and bleeding, and had blocked ducts. With all these problems, I kept trying to nurse my baby, but with everything that went wrong and no matter how much I tried, it just would not work for us. In the end, Andrina is taking 3 ozs of milk at every meal now and I can only produce 1 oz total each time I pump. So, with pumping 8 times a day and only producing 8 ozs of milk a day, and Andrina needing 24 ozs a day, it is all overwhelming. I am beyond exhausted: pumping around the clock, then giving Andrina a bottle, then changing her, and before I know it, it's time to pump again and I have not had any time to enjoy my baby. If this keeps up, I won't be able to remember much of her. If I could have produced more milk and Andrina could latch on, I would be a happy nursing mother. But life does not work out as we plan. So I must be content to be a happy formula-feeding mother.

This afternoon, alone with my baby, and crying the entire time, I fed my baby the last of my breast milk. I wish it didn't have to end this way.